i made a promise to myself this year, to love myself a lot more. but i still find myself in the same situations feeling worst than i did before cause i know its another year of blank promises. i wonder if the sacrifices i made were worth it, if my efforts were treasured or even acknowledged.
i promised myself to never surrender, but time after time i bow my head to words i don't deserve. i apologize to stop the huge weight from growing in my chest when he says i'm wrong and that i'm the villain in the relationship.
how do i let myself down to make sure others feel loved and protected when i in fact don't feel that way. is my wellbeing less important than yours?
i never know the exact moment i fall in love with someone, but i do know how to calculate the aftermath. how hurt i would be to let this hand go when time comes. i weigh our time together to see if i lost him, how long it'll take for me to recover, or even recover at all. im learning to be afraid of ghosts that haunt me at night and the tears that drown me in my sleep.
when will i be able to truly put myself first and realise that no one will love me for me when i cant love myself? when will i stop crying about my broken pieces when they were indeed self conflicted?
"Heres to loving ourselves better next year."
