Sunday, 14 May 2017

Coldplay mornings

If one day, we walk past each other in our favourite Chinese store,  maybe you'll stop and ask me what I miss most about you.
It wasn't the time when you received a phone call half naked on my bed and was talking about tumours and neurones but fuck i love it when you talk medical.
It wasn't the time you tried so hard to squeeze into my size 6 sweatpants and ended up falling like a toddler who just learnt how to walk.
It was the time, at exactly 8:13 AM in the morning, when you clicked the "play" button to my Spotify.
At that moment i saw - you.
I wasn't the 19 year old you met on tinder, you weren't the 25-year-old med graduate, it was just simply -
you and me.
The way your head swung during the chorus.
The way every word you sang touched my lips before it escaped yours.
The way your eyebrows would lift to reach those high notes.
I wish i could wake up to your voice.
The way my heart felt, calm and safe knowing that this memory belonged to us, and forever i will think back to this and remember the wonderful times we shared and know that even though we ended throwing grenades and shooting bullets at each other, it was all worth it.
Because at that moment, you were you.
you made yourself vulnerable to me, even if it was just for a split second
i am so forever grateful to have seen that part of you, 
forever grateful.

//oh take me back to the start//

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

I fucking hate

I fucking hate the feeling when i wake up and have trouble converting oxygen into CO2 because of this huge hole you left in my chest.
I fucking hate tracing my hands with the things you used to touch, the sheets you used to sleep in and watch your fingerprints fade from all those things.
I fucking hate thinking about what you've done and how you pretended it was okay.
I fucking hate the fact that i wish you would take advantage of me just so i can see you again.
I fucking hate the fact that when i tell them how you hurt me i have to act like i don't care.
I fucking hate the fact that i want to be the girl you tie down to and settle down with one day.
I fucking hate the fact that i'll know how much you'll love her cause you would never settle for less.
I fucking hate the fact that i know it simply wont be me.
I fucking hate the fact that one day you'll belong to someone else and this thing between us, it'll just become a mere chapter in your story.
I fucking hate the fact that you only call me baby when you slip your hand under my underwear.
But most of all i fucking hate you.
For using me to feed your long list of accomplishments.
For saying things you didn't mean.
I fucking hate you for making me loathe waking up every morning with not you, but the feeling of emptiness you left me.
I fucking hate you for loving me in my dreams and abandoning me upon my awake.
I just fucking
Hate

You.

//i lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side//


Friday, 14 April 2017

On the train to Central

Wynyard
our fireworks burn out on the train
i can feel my tears on the corner of my eyes
we were here last time you said goodbye
holding them back with a stinging pain in my throat
i tried to stop them from escaping my sockets
the changing black. white. yellow lights on the subway walls were like flashes of memory
in them i saw you

//Tap to view - 14s ago//
- Dinner?

and yet here again i find myself wondering
why my heart skips a beat when i see you or -
fuck it hear from you
playing on your terms
quote Shakespeare with no love
im standing on shattering land and gravity is betraying me
fuck it let me fall
gracefully in your arms
just tonight

- Sure.
//Opened - 16s ago//