For the first time in a long time, im content.

heartbreak

my best friend of 10 years called me today and said - "i think i'm in love"
i was very happy for her that she finally found someone - someone that waited until she was fully comfortable, someone that was patient towards her innocence, someone that loved her pink hair and quirky personality
but there was this bad feeling in my gut, a lingering fear in my brain, this sense of panic that i know i shouldn't have, but - what if she gets her heart broken?
how do i tell her everything is going to be okay when i struggle to believe it myself?
how do i tell her that it takes years to recover from your first relationship?
how do i tell her that in the first few months even blinking hurts because of all the tears you cry at night?
how do i tell her that she might lose her appetite and her fav cake might not taste the same anymore?
how do i tell her to not trust in what he says but trust only in what he does?
how do i tell her to be careful of his intentions but also encourage her to love bravely and deeply?

how do i prepare her for something i dont even know myself?

opening up

do you remember the old room you used to rent with your cousin, we didn't go out much because i didn't know them that well, the room was small and slightly messy, occasionally we would catch dodgy teens smoking weed around the corner, it was chilly during winter/an oven in summer, but i would say our happiest moments happened in that cramped up space

i remember the first time you opened up to me, i was sitting on the side of your bed wearing your old baggy shirt, we were in that god damn cramped up room and you showed me a document and said - "i just thought, if we go any further in this relationship, you should know." at that time we weren't exclusively dating, but we both knew we had something special. i've never in my life met someone quite like you. you looked mean and dark, your sense of fashion mostly consisted of black, you would give off an intimidating persona to strangers, but your heart was completely the opposite.

that night i listened to your story and the struggles you had growing up, finding love at home, fitting in, battling invisible demons that no one understood at that time, and i just cried. i cried not because i pitied you, but because despite all the shit life has put you through, you were not bitter, revengeful or full of hate, instead you grew up kind, caring and have one of the softest hearts i've come to know. you still grew up wanting to love others, wanting to make others smile. and your appearance - was just to repel the things you once craved so much but didn't get, to protect yourself from potential harm. that night, i fell in love with you, with your honesty and bravery.

"unable to perceive the shape of you, i find you all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with your love. It humbles my heart, for you are everywhere"

- the shape of water

no more

I want to go on with my life without you,
 knowing that the next person will love me and be as beautiful as
the alaskan sky you promised me.

Can I ?

i made a promise to myself this year, to love myself a lot more. but i still find myself in the same situations feeling worst than i did before cause i know its another year of blank promises. i wonder if the sacrifices i made were worth it, if my efforts were treasured or even acknowledged.

i promised myself to never surrender, but time after time i bow my head to words i don't deserve. i apologize to stop the huge weight from growing in my chest when he says i'm wrong and that i'm the villain in the relationship. 

how do i let myself down to make sure others feel loved and protected when i in fact don't feel that way. is my wellbeing less important than yours?

i never know the exact moment i fall in love with someone, but i do know how to calculate the aftermath. how hurt i would be to let this hand go when time comes. i weigh our time together to see if i lost him, how long it'll take for me to recover, or even recover at all. im learning to be afraid of ghosts that haunt me at night and the tears that drown me in my sleep.

when will i be able to truly put myself first and realise that no one will love me for me when i cant love myself? when will i stop crying about my broken pieces when they were indeed self conflicted?

"Heres to loving ourselves better next year."